Seriously depressed

I'm making this thread because I am seriously depressed. I know I can't be the only one. After a few hours of trying and failing to find a website where people can openly discuss their dark and troubling feelings I come back to this great site. I have a feeling that the bonsai community has a higher percentage of deep introspective individuals. I, personally, love Alan Watts. but that's not enough to keep me from slitting the ol' wrists.

One of the only things(depression inc) that keeps me sane is seeing my sweet lit'ul beh'buhs grow up.

So, I think this thread should be for people who need to work out something related to their mental health.

Remember, I will talk to you about anything.

I'm hear to listen just as much as vent.

I haven't worked for 2 months.
(Insert all that comes with that with 1 spouse and 4 kids)

I recently received class action lawsuit papers about for another previous employer.
Yes this will be the second one.
And I heard tell of the last iron joint also going to get sued.
All for mistreating employees and underpaying them.

So needless to say, my faith in "go find a different job" isn't great.

In fact, you people here are the only thing keeping my faith in humanity at all!

So I stuck out this 2 months for my Big Boss, cuz he is a good dude.

But last night, I got this text from the foreskin (foreman), with the Big Boss attached, and 2 other guys who don't "stand around". About a long stretch of work.

I got so pissed off at this implication that we or I wish to stand around.....
Foreskin is the only one who runs away from manual labor, like a Bitch not like a foreman...leave a dude hanging shit.
Getting team hurt shit.

I looked for a new job last night and have an interview for a job pruning bushes and clearing brush. (well shit yeah!)
Half the pay....but steady work.

I think it was a Wu-tang member with the line,
"I came to a fork in the road and went straight"

I think I will proceed in that direction.
Forward of course...as "straight" was only to rhyme.

So anyway....
I'm going to this job today....
Gonna try to bite my tongue cuz saying anything leads down a path that has a tiny % of my family being harmed.....
But it is real. And I don't want to chance it.

So I have to live with this decision.

Or Maybe today will be the day that I can't bite my tongue, and a Bitch dude gets called out for being a waste of O2, a moron who don't know shit about the job, a lazy slug who's piss poor planning is the only reason anyone is ever standing around.....

I mean...who makes Bitch Ass accusations in a text....
And how do I reply what is really on my mind in a text?
To me...it's girly teenage shit....
Where you're supposed to look a dude in the face and set these types of things straight...

That's what gets me....
Those are the tells that if I start getting the better of Bitch dude..
He might come back and stab me..
Or hit me with a piece of rebar or something....
Or be so insulted that he feels like a Bitch to his "biker gang" friends and tries to come do my family harm.

Thing is...
With a couple phone calls I can get in touch with my contact inside his gang.

Or....

Make a couple phone calls and get to my contact with their enemies.

But do I want to return to that life, when I avoided that path at a fork in the road so long ago....for my family?

Go make half the money and not be with my family as much?

Move to Alaska and finally just be happy?

Civilization is sooooo not for me!

What would you do!?

Sorce

@GroveKeeper from one who has lost loved ones to suicide...I plead with you to find someone to talk with. Depression is a serious thing. So many people love and care about you. Don't let it get to the point where you harm yourself. We can offer support...but, I'm sure there are things you could wish to discuss with someone. In more depth.

I've gotten in a funk...I wouldn't call it depressed. The weight of my friends and their struggles weigh on me. But, I've given a lot of time in prayer...which is the biggest support I know of for myself.

Thanks for sharing,you may have touched a spot with another who have been feeling similar feelings and had no outreach as well.

Numbers to have at hand...National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1. 1-800-273-8255
   
   http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
   
   

@sorce I had no idea buddy...prayers for doors to open for you and your family. (Your foreman is pathetic to handle things in text. Throwing his crew under the bus for his own short comings.)

@Cadillactaste that is why I have great respect for your husband.

Thank you!

Sorce

I've learned that self control, like everything else...

Doesn't come without work.

I tied my beard up in my daughter's pink tie....

As A reminder of who I am.

Sorce

I've learned that self control, like everything else...

Doesn't come without work.

I tied my beard up in my daughter's pink tie....

As A reminder of who I am.

Sorce

Ahhh...leave it.

To handle depression ------------- achievements
Painting, poetry, jewellery , pottery forget about sales ------- just do

Also get a group situation --------- people you like, respect and can talk to.



Sorce ,

we are planning on opening a bed and breakfast. up on the North Coast/
Would be in about 2 years.
Only situation ------------------------- absolutely no mary jane. Jail situation.

Inland., 5 minutes by car from the beach, no sea blast 200" foot elevation, breezy.
About 40 houses on the other side of the road and 2 to the left of the image.
10 acres.
Place to grow bonsai, if so desired ......................................

Will need a manager.

Should I keep you in mind ?

Good Day
Anthony


K is going to simplify, and redo



That's the main road in the foreground

To any and all, if Seriously and Clinically Depressed, see a serious Shrink experienced in Depression Counseling...do not try to Self Medicate or Self Correct....

I wish all of you luck with your struggles. I've always been somewhat depressive but the last four years have been a whole new level for me. I've have bizarre and unlikely (and incurable/unexplainable) health problems hit me one after another roughly six months apart that have slowly eroded my sense of self and self-worth. Every time I've tried to pick myself up and put my life back together another hits. I predicted the most recent one, a detached vitreous humor in my left eye that has royally screwed up my vision just one week ago, to within a week of its occurrence which was six months after the one before it which was debilitating permanent tinnitus apparently caused by an antidepressant I was talked into taking by a dr for the sciatica I suffered a year before that. There is much more that has happened beyond that, typically not life-threatening but all seriously impacting my quality of life. I've spent many nights recently awake and in pain with my ears screaming at me looking at my shotgun and wondering if one blew one's head off with buckshot or a slug.

So I've resorted more and more to the bonsai for relief. To the point where I've damaged some from over attention - you all know what I mean. You need to do work on them when they need work, not when you need relief from depression. My recent push to make bonsai stands has been a direct and active attempt to find a new direction for my life, and my focus on making them durable to last, and be worth keeping, is directly due to not knowing how much longer I will be around.

So I've been considering divulging some of this here anyway. Thanks for giving me the opportunity. As we know each other better and understand each of our struggles we will become a tighter community. I wish I had advice but as a fellow sufferer I know how futile the usual avenues of counseling and drugs can be and I hesitate to offer platitudes. Nonetheless, just live as best you can. Life is all we have no matter how shitty it may be right now.

I've been quite depressed as of this month as my fiancé and I of 6 years broke up out of the blue and caused me to move and change basically everything I knew as life. But still, I'm doing alright. My trees are a huge part of me and over the last few years I've been doing bonsai, I find myself talking to the trees in the garden when I'm stressed or sad, telling myself that no matter what, the trees are always there's for me. Life is a pretty interesting game (if you want to look at it like that) where everyone is different. We find happiness in different things, and are content with different things. But no matter what, the goal in life is to make YOU happy! I've learned that over the passed few weeks, and no matter what puts me down, I know what makes me happy.
I hope everyone here knows that we should look at each other like a second family, I know I do. @sorce alone helped me a lot earlier this month, and I truly thank him.
One love! Be happy and know that us nuts are always here to help, not just with the trees.

Aaron

@aml1014 sorry to hear of your long term relationship coming to an end...when you were planning more to come with that engagement. I'm not sure what caused it...nor do you need to explain. But...when you find the right one...your experience from this last relationship will make you see more clearly...of what the other has to offer. And appreciate her all the more. Wishing you the best...glad, that you were able to relocate and take the trees with you. That is almost as difficult as finding a place to rent that allows dogs I would imagine...finding a space for your trees.

@sorce he has a deep soul with a heart larger than life. Thanks for being who you are...and helping those here when you see they need some emotional moral. You are like that silly peace pot with the rabbit...but, way cooler!

Cadillactaste said:

.glad, that you were able to relocate and take the trees with you. That is almost as difficult as finding a place to rent that allows dogs I would imagine...finding a space for your trees.

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It's definitely been a fun task moving all of them, thanks to the size of collection I have at least half are still at the old place, but I water in the mornings and move a few to the new place after work each day. Slowlyrics but surly my new garden in piecing itself together.
I'm not sure if we're over for good (the lady and I), this has happened once before. But a good friend of mine told me that if I truly love her and we do get back together, to kind of say what's on my mind ASAP! Don't waste time thinking different possibilities, if I don't like something then I need to speak up. I've always had the problem of holding in all of my emotions...not good for someone my age. Never the less, as you said if we are over for sure, the next special person will come along and make me just as, if not more happy, then the ex did. Thank you for your comment, it really is nice to get some advice from people older and more wise then myself.

Aaron

From one who has been down the dark lonely road and finally saw light at the end of the tunnel, believe me when I say you are in my thoughts and prayers. I will not tell you what to do or how to solve it but just to say how I work my way through it.

One day in 2008 I got retrenched and then 3 days later my fiancee broke off our engagement and relationship. From fears of loosing my 3 yr old boy and having no job, I wanted to end it all. I got my affairs in order, said goodbye and went off to end it all. The simple thought of my son growing up without a dad made me come to my senses and not do it. Months of counselling, hitting the gym hard (I lost 55 kgs) getting a new job started getting me back in the right direction. I listened to a group called 'Blue October' where the lead singer lives his life out in his music and he was also going through a messy time in his life. Their music spoke to me and as Justin (the lead singer) got better in his life so did the music become lighter and more positive and also make a difference in my life. To this day, still my favourite band and I always follow whatever they are doing.

I realised that friends and family are there to be leaned on for support. At first I was too embarrassed to talk to them for fear of ridicule. Things like them laughing at me for not being able to keep a relationship and job was constantly going through my mind. But more and more I knew that they would be the ones to help me through it. I met the most amazing lady who accepted me for who I am and accepted my son as her own. She has been my constant love and support over the last 8 yrs and luckily she decide to be my wife. I learnt to talk to her even if I just wanted someone to listen and not say anything

Over the last 9 yrs since that day, I have had so many low points such as my best friend of 35 yrs screwing me out of loads of money to buying a business where I was also screwed out of money. Last year Sept, my 11 month boy was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and once again I hit rock bottom. The business was totally screwed, I was bleeding in debt and now my baby boy with diabetes.

I have a motivational folder that I look at on the days that things are getting me down and these following 2 images have become my life motto's.

1.


The other is actually a quote out of a ROCKY movie but it is so true



Both of those are reminders to me to keep going. Both of those are lessons I hope and pray my boys will learn from me one day.

On that very day, I totally canned the company and moved all my interests into a new business with a trusted company. We spoke to the doctors about our options with regards to our youngest boy and we learnt it wasn't a death sentence. And just like that the wheel started turning again. Very very slowly but shit, at least it was turning in the right direction. I saw the faintest of light at the end of the tunnel and that too gave me hope.

Now 6 months later the glimmer of light is brighter and I feel more positive. The wheel is turning in the right direction and I try to remind myself that even though life will knock me down some steps, as long as I climb more then what I let it hit me down, I am on the right track.

So boys and girls, KEEP THE FAITH!!!!

Just get that wheel turning in the right direction.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

D

aml1014 said:

It's definitely been a fun task moving all of them, thanks to the size of collection I have at least half are still at the old place, but I water in the mornings and move a few to the new place after work each day. Slowlyrics but surly my new garden in piecing itself together.
I'm not sure if we're over for good (the lady and I), this has happened once before. But a good friend of mine told me that if I truly love her and we do get back together, to kind of say what's on my mind ASAP! Don't waste time thinking different possibilities, if I don't like something then I need to speak up. I've always had the problem of holding in all of my emotions...not good for someone my age. Never the less, as you said if we are over for sure, the next special person will come along and make me just as, if not more happy, then the ex did. Thank you for your comment, it really is nice to get some advice from people older and more wise then myself.

Aaron

Click to expand...

You know your heart...as she does hers. I just wish for your heart to find happiness. But...I'm a firm believer that, the ones we love along the way...build the person we become. And when God places the right one before us. It all makes sense...which allows us to love that one even more...because of our life experiences we take that one less for granted. Some find true love with the first one...some...take a bit longer. Never regret past relationships...because love is a cherished thing. If your love with this young woman is strong...as hers is for you. Then, you will work it out. As with bonsai...no mistake is a total waist if something valuable is gained from it. So what ever your differences were this time...learn from it. Grow from it...wishing you well...in all areas of your life.

GroveKeeper said:

keeps me sane is seeing my sweet lit'ul beh'buhs grow up.

Click to expand...

Absolutely, and I know you will but always hold on to that and them.
It was starting my own family that has really knocked my funk on it's head for the most part and no matter how shitty things may get(in my head mostly) I will always be there for them, even if I can't be I will still be available.
Life throws us lots of crap, adulting is hard enough and we all have to find our own ways of handling it but you can do worse than focusing on the littluns.

@Dorian Fourie

response in images.

Yup know this guy, not very cheerful -


This is how I face problems -


Which leads to this result -



Something to relax to -


Good Day
Anthony

Anthony said:

Yup know this guy, not very cheerful -

Click to expand...

Hi Anthony

Great song from an amazing album (foiled). But yeah, not very cheerful at all. Very deep lyrics but dark that matched my dark feelings and moods. But the more I read up about him (his child and his relationship with her mom) I saw so many similarities on what he was going through and me.

One song that stuck with me from theirs is about how life is up and down.


But as he has started to get his life on track he has become such a positive person. My wish is that they tour South Africa or if I am ever State side, that I can attend one of his concerts.

This is one of his songs off is latest album and it really resonates with me on how important family and friends are and wanting to see what lies ahead. Its about seeing the beauty in the small things that happen every day.

@GroveKeeper @sorce @Velodog2 @aml1014 - Calling on blue skies for you.

Music is such a great healer, mood changer. The saddest song in the world to one person can be the most beautiful thing in the world to another.

For me it's the Eels. The guy is a genius, it hits all the right spots and it wasn't until later that I understood how Mark Everetts life has panned out and well you gain a bit of insight into his world through his music.

These can be throw away songs to some but will always have a place in my heart.