Hobby vs Obsession

Hi,
My husband has been into Bonsai for almost 4 years. It started when he found an old bonsai book with postits and notes embedded from his recently deceased mother. He recalled memories of her interested in it and thought it would be a great way to keep her spirit alive. Absolutely beautiful and supportive of this for sure. When we got pregnant, he thought it would be great to grow a bonsai or 5 from sapling stage when she was born. Again, beautiful and supportive.
Now we are 4 years in, almost, and every conversation is Bonsai with him. He spends almost every minute of free time during the day on his trees. He doesnt work. I work all day and would love to have my husband be a fraction interested in me in the way he is with his trees. I come home, and he is watering his trees. Almost 80% of our conversations are around his trees or something related. He is in the process of making a bemch and has taken over the garage now making it.
Im not into Bonsai tree making, i find them gorgeous and peaceful, but its not for me.

Can you guys give me an idea.of what this hobby looks like day to day? He has OCD like tendencies and im wondering if he is becoming obsessed over this hobby.

Thanks

So... what’s the problem? Sounds perfectly normal to me!

Adair M said:

So... what’s the problem? Sounds perfectly normal to me!

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I guess in trying not to sound too negative about it, i didnt stress ENOUGH just how much this hobby is taking my husband away from me. Perhaps this is normal to be all consumed by the trees? Im trying to understand if this is something you all experience as well and if so, maybe you can provide some advise to a spouse who is really struggling.

I have had many hobbies and a lot of art. Every one is an obsession or its not worth doing.
I love that my wife understands this and has her own obsessions that don't conflict with mine.

I think this isn't the right place for the help you two need.
I have a way of obsessing over things I'm enthusiastic about, but I'm not escaping the real world because of it. It sounds like your husband might be doing so.

I don't know him, nor the entire situation. But it might be a combination of a healthy hobby, coping with loss and holding on to someone by practicing the same things as his mom did.
Bonsai should be the cherry on top of the cake. The cake base, a stable family, an income and being self sufficient should come first.

But again, this is a bonsai forum with bonsai enthusiasts. We all have a bit of an obsession with trees. A therapist might be more valuable for you two.

He probably owns a phone with a gps function. If you can get him to keep track of his movements for a week, he'll probably notice that spending 95% of his time wandering the back yard might not be very fruitfull.

It sounds like you need to talk to your husband more than you need to talk to us. I work on trees when it works with OUR schedule, because...happy wife, happy life and all that stuff. Open up the dialogue about how it makes you feel and how you need more time with him.

Honesty and dialogue is what I feel is key to my 7 year marriage. We had our tough times because we weren’t being honest and talking to each other. Just my 2c

PS: Always realize it could be worse. He could be abusive, doing drugs, drinking, sleeping around, etc. Playing with trees is at least something positive.

Better he's in trees than V's!

Welcome to Crazy!

He needs us!

Once we get hold of him, we'll send him back your way a new man!

Slap the shit out of him!

Scale of 1-10 how much do you think it's because of his mom? Is he still hurt from that?

How much do y'all fight?

Why doesn't he work?

Sorce

Family Counsellor.
Not here.

tiredspouse said:

Hi,
My husband has been into Bonsai for almost 4 years. It started when he found an old bonsai book with postits and notes embedded from his recently deceased mother. He recalled memories of her interested in it and thought it would be a great way to keep her spirit alive. Absolutely beautiful and supportive of this for sure. When we got pregnant, he thought it would be great to grow a bonsai or 5 from sapling stage when she was born. Again, beautiful and supportive.
Now we are 4 years in, almost, and every conversation is Bonsai with him. He spends almost every minute of free time during the day on his trees. He doesnt work. I work all day and would love to have my husband be a fraction interested in me in the way he is with his trees. I come home, and he is watering his trees. Almost 80% of our conversations are around his trees or something related. He is in the process of making a bemch and has taken over the garage now making it.
Im not into Bonsai tree making, i find them gorgeous and peaceful, but its not for me.

Can you guys give me an idea.of what this hobby looks like day to day? He has OCD like tendencies and im wondering if he is becoming obsessed over this hobby.

Thanks

Click to expand...

I whole-heartedly understand I have extreme hyperactivity and superb OCD tendencies.. and have been attempting to deal with this from the OTHER side.

The problem is.. that calling it a “bonsai” obsession is too broad.. it starts (for me) aesthetically, and horticulturally and attempts to “weave” a love and appreciation for nature and beauty into our everyday lives. We get caught up because this respect/appreciation/obsession would (if given free reign) have is behave in tangents that don’t “allign” with everyday life.
It attempts to take on other forms... and SHOULD be allowed to.. so that those 1,096 points of focus do not SINGULARLY manifest. If it be Woodworking, sculpting, painting, poetry, hiking, fishing, photography, cinematography,,..

The biggest thing to remember is it's not a “bonsai obsession” .... it’s an “obsession with nature/beauty/art”.... BONSAI was just your husband’s “way in”

You said he is building a bench.. support that (Might lead to other projects). Suggest walks (my favorite).... ask if he/you would be interested in sketching some trees (lead to other art), maybe propose the idea of growing veggies, flowers, and succulents. This way you are diversifying his obsession in healthy and non bonsai-specific ways, and are providing platforms for activities you can share together. (Foraging and cooking with “collections”)

My Adhd/ocd is NOT a fun anecdote or a conversation crutch to explain erratic behavior...

...It is HELL, if I’m being quite honest.. so I REEEEALLY understand.

I hope this has been at least somewhat helpful.

sorce said:

Better he's in trees than V's!

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I missed this! Hahahaha

I also had a “devious answer” instantaneously materialize in the foreground of my mind (Upon reading this thread)

The “rascal” in me would’ve said:


“What? .... I’m sorry.... couldn’t really pay attention.... I was thinkin’ ‘bout trees.”

There is a huge difference between hobby and obsession. Hobbies are good, obsessions are bad. When you admit you have a problem, you have already made an enormous step in fixing it. Try to get him to that stage first. And hope that he is not on this forum

Vali said:

There is a huge difference between hobby and obsession. Hobbies are good, obsessions are bad. When you admit you have a problem, you have already made an enormous step in fixing it. Try to get him to that stage first. And hope that he is not on this forum

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I get into stuff deeply when interested and as of 3 mos ago this is looking like another full fledge addiction worth decades of my time hopefully

But i am single 33 year old jist loving life right now...always compromise in relationships. I hope to find a nice garden hippy next

HorseloverFat said:

View attachment 312174

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That seems to be a good book. One of those that takes a lot of time to read because it's full with deep passages like these, that one has to read several times in order to fully understand. Especially if it's in a foreign language. It kind of fits the OP's situation - don't let the badness corrupt your relationship. There is no bonsai in the world or in anybody's mind to be worth to mess up a family. At least, that's my opinion. Thanks, HorseloverFat...if you told me the name of the book I would look it up and hope I can find it translated in romanian

If I was a woman, and I wanted his attention, I'd be under the bench.
I don't know where I heard that works....
But it does.

Sorce

tiredspouse said:

Can you guys give me an idea.of what this hobby looks like day to day? He has OCD like tendencies and im wondering if he is becoming obsessed over this hobby.

Click to expand...

What it looks like on a day to day basis depends on then number of trees you have, the current season you are in and what action you are taking (watering, fertilising, repotting, pruning, propagating, wiring etc.). Therefore, it can vary from 5 minutes a day to many hours a day depending on the person and the factors mentioned above. For me, it is 1 hour a day in the spring/summer but only 20 minutes in the winter.

sorce said:

If I was a woman, and I wanted his attention, I'd be under the bench.
I don't know where I heard that works....
But it does.

Sorce

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Savage lol

hinmo24t said:

Savage lol

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Truth.


Sorce

Vali said:

That seems to be a good book. One of those that takes a lot of time to read because it's full with deep passages like these, that one has to read several times in order to fully understand. Especially if it's in a foreign language. It kind of fits the OP's situation - don't let the badness corrupt your relationship. There is no bonsai in the world or in anybody's mind to be worth to mess up a family. At least, that's my opinion. Thanks, HorseloverFat...if you told me the name of the book I would look it up and hope I can find it translated in romanian

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That is from Plato’s “Republic” I bet you can find it.

My take...he found a book of his recently deceased mother...and found a hobby, that brings her close to him.

Don't steal that from him. You don't have to cuff your shirtsleeves and dive into the hobby. honestly...this is something he needs to do alone. Alone time with his mom ever present in his heart. Respect that.

You mention he doesn't work...stay at home dad? So, he's tending a child during the day...and focusing on his trees when you get in and he has time to let his guard down from parenting. This time frame of when he tends the trees is your issue. We don't know your location/climate. If he needs two watering so. But, possibly suggest a watering system for him to install. That would take some time to initially install. In the end, freeing up that period at the end of the day. At least watering...