Hi, everyone. For better or for worse, I'm back: very sorry for alarming everyone, and very grateful for everyone's support.

grouper52

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I am sorry to have alarmed many here a few months ago. Darlene was very supportive at that time, and I'm glad she alerted Dan and Diane Robinson to keep an eye on me, which they did. My twenty year marriage ended with my wife convincing me to retire to her homeland in the Philippines in order to turn around her descent into madness from burning as an ER nurse. Over there, though she continued to become increasingly psychotic, believing me initially to be possessed by the Devil, and eventually to BE the Devil because I've practiced Tibetan Buddhism for 30 years. Her meltdown into psychosis resulted in increasingly frequent and violent physical attacks, trying to gouge my eyes out to "purify" me. She would not get help, and I simply had to leave, coming home to the US with only 4 suitcases out of all the possessions I've ever had, with which to re-start and re-build my life again from scratch at my advancing age - a very daunting task.

I sank into a deep depression upon return - a very dark space I've never even imagined after years as a psychiatrist treating people with such illnesses. There were many times of strong suicidal urges, but - although I have always been a gun guy - I knew that I would be OK if I simply didn't get a gun for a long time after this cleared ... and I still haven't gotten one because there are still moments of such thoughts, though they are fading. Divorce proceedings - which we both agree on amicably, thank goodness - are underway. But I still feel like damaged goods, and have no woman in my life, which is hard for me: I find I don't sleep well alone, nor really enjoy my life during the day without having a woman to share it with. I have heard people say "loneliness kills" - and yes, now I know what they mean. But I have decided it will not kill me.

It was several months before I had adequate digs to get some of my old trees back from Dan Robinson. The space I have here at the moment is rather limited, and, although I've bought even a few more trees to work on, my collection is still limited - but it's enough for me now. The two new ones in the photos below (two phots each)ChineseElm-1.jpgChineseElm-2.jpgWesternJuniperRaw.jpgWestern juniper 1:8:19.jpgIMG_0057.jpegIMG_0056.jpgIMG_0019.jpgIMG_0020.jpgsnow-1.jpgsnow-2.jpg are: a field-grown cork-bark Chinese elm, and a collected Western juniper from the mountains of eastern Oregon.The others are old trusty standby's (largely left-to-right): Alaska Yellow cedar, Korean hornbeam, Katsura, Threadbranch false-cypress, Vine maple, Alpine fir, Shore pine, and Mountain hemlock. The snow, BTW - probably nothing for many of you from the north - was from a recent storm known here in these tame parts - believe it or not - as "Snowmageddon"!!! There's a cryptomeria I'll post next as well can't do so at the moment without risking the entire post, I think. Enjoy! G52
 

Adair M

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Wow... what a story!

Glad you’re doing better. When I saw that post on your profile here, I was VERY concerned!

There’s many people here who care about you.

You and I have never met, but we’ve conversed a bit. If you ever need to talk, send me a PM, and I’ll call ya.

Welcome back! You’re among friends here!
 

Maloghurst

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I am sorry to have alarmed many here a few months ago. Darlene was very supportive at that time, and I'm glad she alerted Dan and Diane Robinson to keep an eye on me, which they did. My twenty year marriage ended with my wife convincing me to retire to her homeland in the Philippines in order to turn around her descent into madness from burning as an ER nurse. Over there, though she continued to become increasingly psychotic, believing me initially to be possessed by the Devil, and eventually to BE the Devil because I've practiced Tibetan Buddhism for 30 years. Her meltdown into psychosis resulted in increasingly frequent and violent physical attacks, trying to gouge my eyes out to "purify" me. She would not get help, and I simply had to leave, coming home to the US with only 4 suitcases out of all the possessions I've ever had, with which to re-start and re-build my life again from scratch at my advancing age - a very daunting task.

I sank into a deep depression upon return - a very dark space I've never even imagined after years as a psychiatrist treating people with such illnesses. There were many times of strong suicidal urges, but - although I have always been a gun guy - I knew that I would be OK if I simply didn't get a gun for a long time after this cleared ... and I still haven't gotten one because there are still moments of such thoughts, though they are fading. Divorce proceedings - which we both agree on amicably, thank goodness - are underway. But I still feel like damaged goods, and have no woman in my life, which is hard for me: I find I don't sleep well alone, nor really enjoy my life during the day without having a woman to share it with. I have heard people say "loneliness kills" - and yes, now I know what they mean. But I have decided it will not kill me.

It was several months before I had adequate digs to get some of my old trees back from Dan Robinson. The space I have here at the moment is rather limited, and, although I've bought even a few more trees to work on, my collection is still limited - but it's enough for me now. The two new ones in the photos below (two phots each)View attachment 229602View attachment 229603View attachment 229604View attachment 229605View attachment 229606View attachment 229607View attachment 229608View attachment 229609View attachment 229610View attachment 229611 are: a field-grown cork-bark Chinese elm, and a collected Western juniper from the mountains of eastern Oregon.The others are old trusty standby's (largely left-to-right): Alaska Yellow cedar, Korean hornbeam, Katsura, Threadbranch false-cypress, Vine maple, Alpine fir, Shore pine, and Mountain hemlock. The snow, BTW - probably nothing for many of you from the north - was from a recent storm known here in these tame parts - believe it or not - as "Snowmageddon"!!! There's a cryptomeria I'll post next as well can't do so at the moment without risking the entire post, I think. Enjoy! G52
Welcome back and I’m glad you made it out of the bad situation you were in.

“Pain is breaking of the shell which encloses our understanding”
 

grouper52

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Wow... what a story!

Glad you’re doing better. When I saw that post on your profile here, I was VERY concerned!

There’s many people here who care about you.

You and I have never met, but we’ve conversed a bit. If you ever need to talk, send me a PM, and I’ll call ya.

Welcome back! You’re among friends here!

Thanks, Adair M. It means a lot to me. It's funny, this virtual reality of an internet forum like this: we've never met, you and I - it's all just pixels on a computer screen, and I would have dismissed it as such in the past ... but your your words mean a great deal to me because I know and respect somehow whoever it is, whatever the reality is, of the real-life person that those pixels represent. Your words mean a great deal to me, and I thank you, Adair M. Hopefully some day we will meet in person.
 

grouper52

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Welcome back and I’m glad you made it out of the bad situation you were in.

“Pain is breaking of the shell which encloses our understanding”

You're from Seattle! I'm over here in Port Orchard across the Sound, not far from Dan Robinson's Elandan Gardens in Gorst. Come over some weekend and I'll get you free admission to the Gardens and a signed copy of my book, in appreciation of you kind words.
 

j evans

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Sorry for what you have gone through and the difficult journey. I think that I can speak for all of us when I say we so happy that you are ok and although things were bad they seem to be getting better. If you ever need an ear, there is always someone here. Take care.
 

Shima

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What an amazing adventure! Being in Hawai'i around many Filipinos I could kind of relate. I also would rather not be alone but have come to realize that the transition from one to the other is the most difficult part. I'm sure you know from your practice that not being content with what is is the sure way to dukkha, suffering. Getting established and back into your collection will be so healing, I'm sure. So I wish you all the best, welcome home and looking forward to news of your progress/healing. :)
 

Brian Van Fleet

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Welcome back, glad to see you’re landing on your feet and jumping back into Bonsai with some old friends. Still have the welcome mat out for you if you make your way to the Southeast. Hang in there.
 

Wilson

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Welcome back! Wish it wasn't because of trauma, but happy to have you back in the bonsai realm. We have started a study group here in Montréal, and one of our group has ordered your book. We will refer to it regularly for our passionate discussions about gnarly trees! Whenever you decide to do a cross country trip, turn north and come for a visit.
 

Cadillactaste

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So glad to see you posting again Will! @grouper52 ...I am sure with the description you painted...have far worse that you have went through with the soon to be ex. With your knowledge behind you as a profession, it also had to be difficult not to have her want to help herself. But...you can't let one in that mind, take you out. Glad you woke up and dusted yourself off, packed a few bags and headed back to the states. Also glad you have Dan and Diane, and others there to support you. And a hobby that offers so much to ones peace while working them. And a nice collection there you got. That some were yours prior...like coming home when you see them. I think it's great you have that. I'm one to always look at the good. And that is great. You know me...I'm always going to encourage a dog for a companion. My Aussie gosh, when I learned my mom had passed. All I wanted was her solace she brings. She also helped with many losses in my life. I find compassion without words is what works best for myself. Will continue to keep you in my prayers. Tried looking you up on Facebook. But you look inactive there, was unable to friend you. But you got a friend in me...as you know. Keep one step in front of the other. And focus on you for a change.
 

Maloghurst

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You're from Seattle! I'm over here in Port Orchard across the Sound, not far from Dan Robinson's Elandan Gardens in Gorst. Come over some weekend and I'll get you free admission to the Gardens and a signed copy of my book, in appreciation of you kind words.
Really! I’m gonna take you up in that! I’ve walked around outside elandan gardens While driving through and didn’t realize that was Dan’s place. My kids are nuts so we didn’t pay to go in. I appreciate the offer and would love to meet you.
 

sorce

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I must admit friend, I didn't have the emotional space to go investigate what you may have posted here when I heard about it.
Truth truth, I am going thru the same thing, minus Islands and ER's. Though after 17 years, we may have had a breakthrough! Or it could be just another of many imaginary, or, one-sided plateaus I oft aft find my toes on the edge of, fully prepared to leap! I never been a gun guy.

You know what sucks about being a rational person?

We have created a society that sucks so bad suicide is the rational choice.
It simply makes more Fucking sense!

But every tomorrow could be the morning we get to wake up to a new type of quite sunrise, no chemtrails, no horns, no buzzing of manmade.....maybe those birds singing, a bee, we may even be able to hear bees again, a stream running thru jade, the scream of an eagle.

Silent because the apocalypse took the morons, the greedy, the politicians.

Every ounce of Faith I ever had is riding on that silence.

Lol....I'm training my soul to operate typing mechanisms so even after I'm gone I'll be here on BNUT! Who needs Cryogenics when we have the matrix!?

Love.

Sorce
 

AZbonsai

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Welcome back @grouper52 stay vigilant As you know, mental health nothing to take for granted. Hope you are getting some counseling. As usual, pictures are beautiful.
 

Ingvill

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Welcome back!
I don't know you personally at all, but have always enjoyed your posts and have missed seeing you around here.
Here's to better days :)
 
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