Recovery & Mental Nuts

[Frozentreehugger]

Thanks, both of you.
I just really worry about my kids. They're the only thing that keeps me going.

I think your doing a fine job bro . The problem with kids is they don’t come with a manual . And no 2 are the same . You can only try your best . As for a relationship break up with kids . I think it’s important to not . Talk negative about your ex to the children . Regardless it’s there mother . If only one adult is a good parent . The children will figure that out . Just be there for them .

 

[Cajunrider]

I think your doing a fine job bro . The problem with kids is they don’t come with a manual . And no 2 are the same . You can only try your best . As for a relationship break up with kids . I think it’s important to not . Talk negative about your ex to the children . Regardless it’s there mother . If only one adult is a good parent . The children will figure that out . Just be there for them.

The reason why I am always in good grace with my children is that they know that I absolutely will always be there for them even if it costs my life.

 

[Mr. Watanabe]

Last year (2023) in late summer I finally found out I had a tumor in my left middle ear. This was after having Bell's Palsy type symptoms for about a year prior. Thankfully it wasn't cancerous, but it was in my middle ear and was affecting my hearing (cochlea) , balance (vestibular tubes) and left facial nerve function (7th cranial nerve) and the tumor had already eaten part of my skull. The left side of my face was essentially paralyzed and that affected the way I ate, my speech and my left eye. My hearing in my left ear was starting to degrade and I hade balance issues which caused vertigo symptoms, nausea and dizziness. There were days where I felt like I was on boat, swaying while I was standing still. I had an 8 hour surgery on September 28th to remove the tumor and thankfully the biopsy during the surgery revealed it wasn't cancer. The doctors had to open my skull and scoot my brain over a little to access the tumor. After the surgery the only thing I could hear in my left ear was my heartbeat, my breathing and vibrations going through my body. I had hyper motion sensitivity and being in car made me feel sick and walking and normal movements were a struggle. My left facial nerve was severed and my facial function on my left side was non-existent. I was physically broken. While slowly recovering, I was growing some pepper plants which helped me keep busy. I went through anxiety and depression because I recovery was very slow and I didn't know what my final state would be. I ran across bonsai online and felt drawn to it. I found a local bonsai nursery and bought my first tree. It looked like the type of bonsai you would see at the mall and many probably wouldn't consider it a bonsai, but to me it was so therapeutic. I would just stare at it many times during the day for 15 to 20 minutes at a time and I would feel at peace with myself and my new reality. To me the tree represented perfect imperfection. It was strange but powerful how this little tree helped me mentally and helped give me a new outlook on life. I'm doing much better now, my hearing came back and the loss was minimal. My balance came back and my vestibular issues are now gone after several months of PT. I just had surgery last week to help my eyelids function better and still dealing with my facial paralysis. So overall, I'm grateful... I've realized EVERYONE is dealing with something in their lives and many are dealing with things much worse physically and mentally than what I've been through. Respect others, because you never know what your fellow human being is going through. This little tree will always be my favorite for helping me get through the hardest time in my life

 

[Cajunrider]

Last year (2023) in late summer I finally found out I had a tumor in my left middle ear. This was after having Bell's Palsy type symptoms for about a year prior. Thankfully it wasn't cancerous, but it was in my middle ear and was affecting my hearing (cochlea) , balance (vestibular tubes) and left facial nerve function (7th cranial nerve) and the tumor had already eaten part of my skull. The left side of my face was essentially paralyzed and that affected the way I ate, my speech and my left eye. My hearing in my left ear was starting to degrade and I hade balance issues which caused vertigo symptoms, nausea and dizziness. There were days where I felt like I was on boat, swaying while I was standing still. I had an 8 hour surgery on September 28th to remove the tumor and thankfully the biopsy during the surgery revealed it wasn't cancer. The doctors had to open my skull and scoot my brain over a little to access the tumor. After the surgery the only thing I could hear in my left ear was my heartbeat, my breathing and vibrations going through my body. I had hyper motion sensitivity and being in car made me feel sick and walking and normal movements were a struggle. My left facial nerve was severed and my facial function on my left side was non-existent. I was physically broken. While slowly recovering, I was growing some pepper plants which helped me keep busy. I went through anxiety and depression because I recovery was very slow and I didn't know what my final state would be. I ran across bonsai online and felt drawn to it. I found a local bonsai nursery and bought my first tree. It looked like the type of bonsai you would see at the mall and many probably wouldn't consider it a bonsai, but to me it was so therapeutic. I would just stare at it many times during the day for 15 to 20 minutes at a time and I would feel at peace with myself and my new reality. To me the tree represented perfect imperfection. It was strange but powerful how this little tree helped me mentally and helped give me a new outlook on life. I'm doing much better now, my hearing came back and the loss was minimal. My balance came back and my vestibular issues are now gone after several months of PT. I just had surgery last week to help my eyelids function better and still dealing with my facial paralysis. So overall, I'm grateful... I've realized EVERYONE is dealing with something in their lives and many are dealing with things much worse physically and mentally than what I've been through. Respect others, because you never know what your fellow human being is going through. This little tree will always be my favorite for helping me get through the hardest time in my life

Best of luck to you.

 

[ShadyStump]

Happy Easter to those who celebrate!

I thought I'd update on the fiasco with my meds.
I'm down to 1/4 the dosage I was on. Can definitely tell a difference in mood and anxiety. I know significant portion of that is the constant brain fuzz from the perpetually changing drugs, as well as the continued sleep disruptions from it. Just not sure how much of it is that versus circumstances versus chronic mental illness. Overall, though, I'm still mostly functional. I'm inclined towards it being largely circumstantial right now. Kids are with their mom on a holiday and complained heavily about it; hours cut at work because a machine is down and they're running out of busy work for me; federal tax return is under review because my income has changed so drastically from last year, so no idea what's going on with a big chunk of money that my finances are unfortunately highly dependent upon; dad had another fall last night, and I had to rush over to rescue him again after spending the morning helping hime clean up to get floors and carpet replaced, which he made very clear was for my benefit when he dies. So, yeah, plenty to worry about, but nothing new, and I'm managing as well as can be expected I guess. This is all normal for me nowadays.
Oh yeah, and the worst allergy season I've had in years, too!

Therapist missed ANOTHER appointment with me, and I can't get a refill from my psychiatrist without that. So even if I was trying to keep up on the meds I'd be locked in to quitting them now anyway.

I know I'll feel better when I pick up the kids tomorrow. I always do.

 

[Cajunrider]

Happy Easter!
I went to an early Mass for Eater then went to a temple for a memorial service. By noon I am all holy

 

[Frozentreehugger]

Happy Easter everyone. Pulled my trees out of winter storage yesterday . Earliest it’s ever been . Always one of the best days of the year . Traditionally I’m actually not fond of early spring . The snow melts and everything is brown and dirty . Wet and a mess . But those of us that endure the freezing cold and harsh winter . Have a appreciation of spring . That others can’t comprehend. As simple as the feeling of warm sun on your skin. Being good for the soul . Nature is amazing . By keeping my trees in the dark for the winter . There behind in waking up in spring . But it’s amazing there recovery rate . A mere 24 hours or less . And Dicid buds are noticeable swelling . And conifers have improved colour . Lately I have been reflecting on how my life lived in this environment , has shaped myself physically and mentally . Including my tastes in bonsai . For me I prefer conifers that have green foliage . Darker the better . I’m not fond of any gold foliage and think most blue conifers are overdone . A reflection of green is healthy living trees . Up here gold yellow is sign of winter kill . Most blue conifers are native to else where . Styles formal upright and windswept being favourites. Heavily reflected in nature here . Surrounded by arguable the best fall colour forests . There are . I tend to look for other unique attributes . In Dicid trees . It’s not like I need red coloured fall foliage . I’m unsure what exactly is driving my desire . This second round of bonsai into flowers. And fruit trees . Anyway happy Easter . It’s a time of renewal and symbol of spring . All northerners are aware of cabin fever . Being closed up inside for the winter . Increases depression . And anxiety. Including chemical abuse . There is a reason alcoholism . And drug abuse has high rates in the north . Enjoy the spring and allow the sun to rejuvenate your body and mind ,

 

[ShadyStump]

Happy Easter!
I went to an early Mass for Eater then went to a temple for a memorial service. By noon I am all holy

Oh, holy one! We're not worthy!

 

[Frozentreehugger]

Oh, holy one! We're not worthy!

No wonder he has so much success collecting Yamadori

 

[ShadyStump]

I am NOT doing so hot today. Around 72 hours med free, so I know it's withdrawals, but it sucks.
I'm VERY unreasonably upset about things that it's perfectly reasonable to be upset by. The big issue is that it's mostly stuff my kids are doing, so I've been hiding out in my bedroom all evening to reduce the chances of it going overboard.

I could really use the support of a good friend, but yesterday he made clear he thinks I'm already over the edge BECAUSE I've been trying to stay open and communicative the whole time, and he finds it weird for me. That's seriously pissed me off.
Really, you think I should just find another provider and go back to exactly the whole issue of me having to depend on someone else to stay functional, and just HOPE they'll listen to me about me in stead of telling me about me. Let's just go right back to the same damned traumatic bullshit with someone new because you're uncomfortable with dealing with a raw emotional me. Well it's a little late now anyway.
What, did you think I just didn't ever have any strong emotions, just because I've always been so good at keeping them locked in a box? I text you from work about the disorienting surges of brain fog, and that I've latched on to the fact that there's been a new theory of entropic gravitation proposed, and that's what I'm using to get through it; and THAT of all things is what makes you think I'm spiralling out of control?

Anyways, really needed to get that on the outside before it caused a meltdown.

 

[Mr. Watanabe]

I am NOT doing so hot today. Around 72 hours med free, so I know it's withdrawals, but it sucks.
I'm VERY unreasonably upset about things that it's perfectly reasonable to be upset by. The big issue is that it's mostly stuff my kids are doing, so I've been hiding out in my bedroom all evening to reduce the chances of it going overboard.

I could really use the support of a good friend, but yesterday he made clear he thinks I'm already over the edge BECAUSE I've been trying to stay open and communicative the whole time, and he finds it weird for me. That's seriously pissed me off.
Really, you think I should just find another provider and go back to exactly the whole issue of me having to depend on someone else to stay functional, and just HOPE they'll listen to me about me in stead of telling me about me. Let's just go right back to the same damned traumatic bullshit with someone new because you're uncomfortable with dealing with a raw emotional me. Well it's a little late now anyway.
What, did you think I just didn't ever have any strong emotions, just because I've always been so good at keeping them locked in a box? I text you from work about the disorienting surges of brain fog, and that I've latched on to the fact that there's been a new theory of entropic gravitation proposed, and that's what I'm using to get through it; and THAT of all things is what makes you think I'm spiralling out of control?

Anyways, really needed to get that on the outside before it caused a meltdown.

Hang in there bud!

 

[Frozentreehugger]

I am NOT doing so hot today. Around 72 hours med free, so I know it's withdrawals, but it sucks.
I'm VERY unreasonably upset about things that it's perfectly reasonable to be upset by. The big issue is that it's mostly stuff my kids are doing, so I've been hiding out in my bedroom all evening to reduce the chances of it going overboard.

I could really use the support of a good friend, but yesterday he made clear he thinks I'm already over the edge BECAUSE I've been trying to stay open and communicative the whole time, and he finds it weird for me. That's seriously pissed me off.
Really, you think I should just find another provider and go back to exactly the whole issue of me having to depend on someone else to stay functional, and just HOPE they'll listen to me about me in stead of telling me about me. Let's just go right back to the same damned traumatic bullshit with someone new because you're uncomfortable with dealing with a raw emotional me. Well it's a little late now anyway.
What, did you think I just didn't ever have any strong emotions, just because I've always been so good at keeping them locked in a box? I text you from work about the disorienting surges of brain fog, and that I've latched on to the fact that there's been a new theory of entropic gravitation proposed, and that's what I'm using to get through it; and THAT of all things is what makes you think I'm spiralling out of control?

Anyways, really needed to get that on the outside before it caused a meltdown.

One day at a time bro Don’t hide hide in yourself from your demons . Confront them or talk to someone about them sharing hells the burden . You have my phone number call anytime , and or if you load what’s app messenger we can talk long distance for free . Remember your a great guy and father .

 

[ShadyStump]

Thanks, everyone.
I'm feeling much better today. Still some emotional volatility, but much more capable of managing it, and the brain fog is significantly reduced. I've even been sleeping well, don't even need anything to help me get to sleep at night.

I suspect it'll take a while to get to where I'm 100% on my own, but I'm on my way and already feeling more like myself than I have in a while.

 

[ShadyStump]

So, I figured I'd share these from back October. No real reason, it's just been a thing I'm recognizing more and more as my brain slowly resets itself after quitting the meds.

So, according to the internet...


And the relevant score cutoffs for that last one.


No interest in a formal diagnosis, or anything else really.
Just been at the forefront of my mind lately, so I thought I'd share.

 

[PerryB]

@ShadyStump : I have no idea of the validity of this test (or your results) but if this feels like a useful tool in understanding yourself, then bravo!

As I tell my sister, who is developmentally challenged, figuring ourselves out is the real work in life (Plato: "Know thyself ") and unfortunately we were all born without an owner's manual.

My most successful and richest, happiest relative (a nephew) wanted to drop out of school as a freshman in high school. He didn't fit in anywhere but then tested out of high school the next year, did his BA in 2 years, and his Masters and PhD in one year each. He was impossible to talk to as a teenager, is a gifted musician and chef, but would still rather not talk to most people.

I have a 2 friends in my neighborhood, whose sons are neurodivergent and now at ages 35 and 40, are gaining reputations as artists.

There are many paths and many tools as we try to figure out who we are and where we are going. I took many crazy detours over the years, but there's still some knowledge I gained in exploring those areas. If you learned something from this test, then use it!

 

[ShadyStump]

@ShadyStump : I have no idea of the validity of this test (or your results) but if this feels like a useful tool in understanding yourself, then bravo!

As I tell my sister, who is developmentally challenged, figuring ourselves out is the real work in life (Plato: "Know thyself ") and unfortunately we were all born without an owner's manual.

My most successful and richest, happiest relative (a nephew) wanted to drop out of school as a freshman in high school. He didn't fit in anywhere but then tested out of high school the next year, did his BA in 2 years, and his Masters and PhD in one year each. He was impossible to talk to as a teenager, is a gifted musician and chef, but would still rather not talk to most people.

I have a 2 friends in my neighborhood, whose sons are neurodivergent and now at ages 35 and 40, are gaining reputations as artists.

There are many paths and many tools as we try to figure out who we are and where we are going. I took many crazy detours over the years, but there's still some knowledge I gained in exploring those areas. If you learned something from this test, then use it!

Hit the nail right on the head.
I've suspected for a VERY long time, but finally just hit a point where I had to know exactly what I was working with upstairs.

To answer a couple questions, I was working on a minor in psychology in college, so I know enough to tell if some screener or questionnaire is legitimate. I found a site that has pretty much every reputable test, some of which I recognized from when my daughter was first being diagnosed.
No, I don't think any form of self-diagnosis is valid, hence I prefaced it with, "according to the internet."

 

[Cajunrider]

I am a bit down today. Last week I lost a classmate to cancer. Since he lived in Germany, it wasn't easy to see him for the last time. Then the mother of a dear friend passed away yesterday. She was a kind lady. Now with the service set for Friday, we couldn't arrange to be there. Then this afternoon, I was told that my friend, the one who gave me Batman the BC, is getting worse with his cancer. After 16 rounds of chemo, his cancer initially got better but now is growing again.

And and and... I can't find my wire cutter. Wah!

 

[ShadyStump]

I am a bit down today. Last week I lost a classmate to cancer. Since he lived in Germany, it wasn't easy to see him for the last time. Then the mother of a dear friend passed away yesterday. She was a kind lady. Now with the service set for Friday, we couldn't arrange to be there. Then this afternoon, I was told that my friend, the one who gave me Batman the BC, is getting worse with his cancer. After 16 rounds of chemo, his cancer initially got better but now is growing again.

And and and... I can't find my wire cutter. Wah!

It adds up after a while, doesn't it?
How are you managing it all?

 

[Cajunrider]

It adds up after a while, doesn't it?
How are you managing it all?

2.5 hour wiring removal therapy.

 

[ShadyStump]

2.5 hour wiring removal therapy.

Totally legit.