Recovery & Mental Nuts

[Dysfunctional Vet]

You know I guess it really depends on who’s saying it. Random Washingtonian says it I get weirded out because I don’t trust these folks. Lol

It always makes me feel awkward. Not entirely sure what it is.
Maybe it's that I don't feel like it was anything special. No one tells the trash man, "thank you for your service," or the road crew who cleans up the roadkill.
Maybe it's the, "you weren't there, you have no idea," part. Like, "I'm not proud of that, so why are you thanking me?"

In the end it's just people being polite, which I do really appreciate, so I really don't know what it is.

 

[HorseloverFat]

*Speaker shuffles in silently, carrying a rocking chair under one arm..... Chair is set down with somber disregard to the front left of the individual. Speakers falls in, unapologetically. The sounds of weathered wood, creaking, can be heard a moment before stability is reached*


*A lighter clicks and smoke fills the air*..

....


Y'know, they have said "We are mostly all mad here!" ...it's a fun thing to say about quirky personalities. But fails to really capture the ESSENCE of true "no eating no sleeping, red-glossy eyes, obsessive MADNESS!".....

Decidedly, I'd like to give you MY quick mini-series on the (and other closely related) topic(s). Still the reader's digest-version...but hey.

So my brain was diagnosed ADHD/OCD through a series of about 5 interviews with a child psychologist when I was roughly the age of 7. (I was NOT diagnosed ADHD with those take-home pamphlets that claimed EVERYONE had ADD and, in my opinion, led the Meth crisis to the heights it is now ((if you're interested why, PM me or just ask here)))
.. so this will explain a little of my mindset/lifestyle.

When I was 14-15, I (what I thought) was dating this 25-26 year old...

Turn out, she just had like 3 "young boys" she "kept"... While her husband was stationed somewhere in the middle east. I walked away, painfully, when this knowledge was provided to me.
(So 'trust' Is it's own beast, with me.)

It was actually WAITING for her to come and pick me up, one of the last times, where alcohol entered my life HARD stage right. As I was waiting, and crying (I think I KNEW at this point)... I opened up my mother's cupboards. She had many cheap spirits used for making extracts, tinctures ect.... I remember grabbing the vodka and pouring about 2-3 shots worth into my Monster Khaos... My (scary) first thought following the drink and how it made me feel.... "I could do this!"

Fast forward... Through high school I got fairly involved in pot and psychedelics...

By the time high school was one-year in my rear-view mirror... I was "the plug" for the area.. and was selling/distributing large amounts of Pot, MdMA, Psilocybin, LSD and hallucinogenic phenethylamines like 2C-I, 2C-E 2C-T-2.. ect

By this time, was surrounding myself with gang members, and ended up spending most of my time with them... Doing "their" type of activities.

Fast forward a couple years and I have a baby on the way, and am "working" my doctors to get the most prescription speed possible.. at this point I was prescribed to 90mg pure dextro-amphetamine daily.

The speed usage got real bad... I'd stay up for 4-7 days at a time, then sleep for two. Being "there" for my family, however failing and being mentally "absent".. this continued for about 3 years.

Drinking was ALWAYS constant... I'd start my days with a mixed drink that would make a social drinker go comatose.. then continue to pour liquor in throughout the day... Most days I was on Amphetamines as well.

During this period of time cocaine(and lots of crack) entered the picture, as in a moment of clarity I informed my doctor of my addiction/abuse and BEGGED to be put on the "drug alert" list. So I could no longer get my prescriptions.

It was shortly after this that Heroin(I call him, Hector) entered....

And although Hector was not a daily visitor, we'd still hang out every time I got paid... Which was every Friday. By Monday, hector was usually gone.

After a few weeks, Hector brought his friend i.v.drug use (I call HIM "Spike") along. Although I always firmly believed I'd NEVER have hung out with Spike.... Addiction changes the parameters of what one is capable of... In the worst possible ways.

Spike made everything.... "Easier"..

My heroin "Guy" (but it was actually a girl) got arrested after passing out at the wheel and driving into someone's living room. Well... She also had a kilo of Hector and about 7ounces of Meth in the vehicle.
...so I used this as a moment to "step away" from hector.

Enter the avalanche that is "meth addiction".... T'was just like the pill speed addiction... Except cheaper, longer.. "better"... It continued ruining my life in the same fashion as before... Just much more intensely... My personal and family relationships fell apart. (I broke off a needle in my arm around this point, and had to "dig" it out with a needle nose pliers... I have not seen "Spike" since that day. )


***
I feel like I need to go back a minute and address how the stimulant issue culminated. I blame no one but myself, an it was MY CHOICE to respond thusly.....

But I was, at that time, in a rather tumultuous, abusive relationship which subjected me to DAILY physical and emotional abuse.

But if I stay up all night... No one hurts me during THOSE times.

***

Next... The Hmong "cartel" that provided me with "the goods" was busted up and 19 of them received prison sentences... I used this as an opportunity to "step back"... Basically getting clean of everything in my life except alcohol. This was 2017

ALSO anyone who has ever done "drugs".... Will tell you that POT.... is NOT one.

I was, throughout it all, an INTENSE alcoholic... Seriously... When I say HOW MUCH my daily intake was.. it seems bragadocious... It most certainly is not... I was a "Professional".

I finally started "pumping the brakes" on my drinking in 2018... Before finally, and painfully, and all alone; fully detoxing in 2019.

My first day sober was 6/29/19... And still is my "day"... To this day.

But after I detoxed... I kept getting sicker... I was pooping black, vomiting crimson, turning yellow, and having massive nosebleeds if I'd itch my nose wrong....

About 2-3 weeks after getting clean... I started to swell.... The pain got so intense that I actually had to go to the ER in Green Bay.

They took my blood work and FREAKED OUT.... "Your too sick to be HERE... We are getting you to Milwaukee, TONIGHT!"...

Then a few days in the ICU... Then lived in the "organ Wing" of Froedert for a bit....

When I got home... I planted "bonsai seeds" from a stupid little starter pack my mom bought me for the previous birthday.



(Now that you know my background, I can be better involved in the conversations, here)

I'm sorry if it was lengthy..(I'm still leaving a TON of interesting, spicy details out)

A "Hi, I'm Leo and I am am addict.."-style intro just WOULDNT cover my story correctly.

 

[ShadyStump]

Dude, I'm not sure a Lifetime miniseries would cover it correctly.
Maybe a soap opera.

Oh, and that offer still stands.

Mine's really just matter of battling priorities while going through my divorce. On one hand I could try to stay in control until I finally cracked, burned down my ex's house with her inside and then jump off a cliff; or I could find another way to numb it all enough to scrape by until the worst had passed.
Seeing as how there's nothing like Fight Club going on around here, and it seemed unfair to the kids to make them lose everything, booze it was.
And it worked...
Until it didn't.

Anyways, I'm finally sober for real. Took more than a year of trying to get my head on straight enough to say I was going anywhere, but my last drink was January, and then I guess it finally clicked. Whiskey is no longer the first thing I think about when shit gets rough. It comes in just in time to interrupt whatever the first thing I think about is.

 

[LeatherTree23]

April 8, 2011 ODAAT. My active stories aren’t all that great just sad but sobriety has been an adventure.

 

[HorseloverFat]

April 8, 2011 ODAAT. My active stories aren’t all that great just sad but sobriety has been an adventure.

Congratulations!

 

[HorseloverFat]

Dude, I'm not sure a Lifetime miniseries would cover it correctly.
Maybe a soap opera.

Oh, and that offer still stands.

Mine's really just matter of battling priorities while going through my divorce. On one hand I could try to stay in control until I finally cracked, burned down my ex's house with her inside and then jump off a cliff; or I could find another way to numb it all enough to scrape by until the worst had passed.
Seeing as how there's nothing like Fight Club going on around here, and it seemed unfair to the kids to make them lose everything, booze it was.
And it worked...
Until it didn't.

Anyways, I'm finally sober for real. Took more than a year of trying to get my head on straight enough to say I was going anywhere, but my last drink was January, and then I guess it finally clicked. Whiskey is no longer the first thing I think about when shit gets rough. It comes in just in time to interrupt whatever the first thing I think about is.

Congratulations, as well, friend!

 

[HorseloverFat]

What a nice new idea for a thread!
Bonsai has been essential in my recovery program. When I got sober (March 22, 1984), I had a really difficult time dealing with the spiritual aspect of AA, and having grown up gay in a fundamentalist household, there wasn't any prospect of an easy resolution.
In the depths of my addiction I was growing not just marijuana but also opium poppies and all the herbs to make my own absinthe. All of these were very successful in both horticultural and physiological effects. I also had a huge vegetable garden.
So in early sobriety, I needed a new horticultural fix that would feed my spirit and bonsai was the answer!
My eventual spiritual direction has been in the direction of Taoism which of course relates very well to bonsai. There have been many bumps in the road in my life in general, in my spiritual experience, and in my bonsai journey. So, I've been sober for 39 years, but ALL of those early trees died. Nevertheless, I learned a lot from them: For me, the primary lesson of bonsai is patience and that has been valuable every day of my life.

Congrats, to you, too Perry!

 

[Kahless]

I'm still struggling. I hate to say it... I'm glad this thread was started. I feel like I'm talking to "my people." It has been hard to get back on track since my last relapse. I hate to break the bad news to my sponsor so I have been reluctant to tell her even though I know I need to.

 

[HorseloverFat]

I so miss that feeling. I think I feel getting a new hobby or walking it back to old hobbies is hopefully going to spark some of that, or at least I can wipe the dust out of tainted eyes.

But back to addiction - I have a question about the contradictions in therapy and what to do when you run across that? Have you run across any yet?

Which therapies? Just curious as to how best answer your question.

...

No MATTER the therapy, detox-method or aftercare....

The intent is what drives real comfortable success...

WHY?... WHY do you want to be sober?

...


If the answer was ANYTHING but "for myself"... You are starting with the odds stacked against you.

Recovery/living healthy is a VERY "selfish" thing... It needs to be FOR you, and you alone. Done BY you, and you alone.

Everything ELSE... will fall into place via extension.... Of yourself.

...

I don't ever even consider going back... I hang out and play music in the local bars.. people buy me Dr.Peppers..

It's not "I CAN'T drink or do drugs now for "x" reasons."....

It is simply, "I DON'T drink or do drugs, I'm comfortable with myself."

Just the way I live now.

 

[HorseloverFat]

I'm still struggling. I hate to say it... I'm glad this thread was started. I feel like I'm talking to "my people." It has been hard to get back on track since my last relapse. I hate to break the bad news to my sponsor so I have been reluctant to tell her even though I know I need to.

So sorry to hear.

But you seem to at least WANT this of yourself.

Tell your sponsor .. it'll go TONS better than you think.

...

No time to start over like the present!

 

[HorseloverFat]

I'm still struggling. I hate to say it... I'm glad this thread was started. I feel like I'm talking to "my people." It has been hard to get back on track since my last relapse. I hate to break the bad news to my sponsor so I have been reluctant to tell her even though I know I need to.

What parts do you struggle with?

This is basically like learning to LIVE..
over again.

For a time... Nothing is interesting... Nothing is fun.
. Nothing is "worth doing"...

Learning how to appreciate life all over again.

Learning to work for our gratification, because we are spoiled by the "instant variety"

...

Soooo struggling is definitely expected
...not strange at all..
It's ok to struggle...

Even better to talk about it.

 

[NashsMan]

April 8, 2011 ODAAT. My active stories aren’t all that great just sad but sobriety has been an adventure.

Adventure!
Yeah, that's the truth in all our stories and it's just a little slower and less dangerous in our sober lives.
I didn't share much of my drunk-a-log before, but suffice it to say, between the many DUIs and reckless driving and wrecked cars, the thousands of hits of LSD in my freezer (I was a daily user of "Vitamin L" for several months), the number of times that I just swallowed whatever pharmaceutical was offered at a party, and the fact that I introduced my female coke dealer to my male coke dealer thereby guaranteeing me free coke---it's a miracle I didn't kill myself or someone else while driving, didn't end up in prison, and didn't land in a locked up psych ward.
My sober adventures have been across a somewhat larger geographical area and are not just more memorable, I can actually remember them!

 

[NashsMan]

I'm still struggling. I hate to say it... I'm glad this thread was started. I feel like I'm talking to "my people." It has been hard to get back on track since my last relapse. I hate to break the bad news to my sponsor so I have been reluctant to tell her even though I know I need to.

Early sobriety can be such a roller coaster ride. You're not used to feeling emotions and in the confusion, it's easy to feel inadequate. That's what sponsors are for.

I still have a sponsor and I've sponsored many people. It's rewarding to be a sponsor because it keeps the focus off your own issues, but it brings everything into sharp focus. Your sponsor needs you to share as much as you need to share.

One day at a time works best when there's someone else on the path who can support you.

 

[ShadyStump]

I feel like I'm talking to "my people."

THIS I completely understand. I look at people allot differently now days. Strangers I would've once crossed the street to avoid are instant friends once we start talking about recovery.

I don't know anything about sponsors. That's not the way the meetings I went to worked.
I get how it's easier to talk to relative strangers, though. Just keep talking to someone.

 

[HorseloverFat]

THIS I completely understand. I look at people allot differently now days. Strangers I would've once crossed the street to avoid are instant friends once we start talking about recovery.

I don't know anything about sponsors. That's not the way the meetings I went to worked.
I get how it's easier to talk to relative strangers, though. Just keep talking to someone.

The "steppers" programs, among others, usually encourage sponsorship.

Normally someone with at LEAST 5-10 years sober time.

I have issues with the stepper programs... NOT because of "higher power"... That could be ANYTHING...

BUUUUT it seemed, at least in meetings that I've attended, to be a stagnating pool of misery... Some people in there, 30-40 years sober, talkin' bout, "Every day is still a struggle and I could relapse any second. I'm powerless against the constant pull of the almighty alcohol."

I'm all, "Whoah!... I think you may be doing something wrong"...

In MY opinion... "Powerless"-talk is BULL-ISH.

I got were I am because I am power-FULL.... I call the shots...

Every day is fantastic and it keeps getting better.

"Wallowing" can NEVER be healthy.

 

[NashsMan]

The "steppers" programs, among others, usually encourage sponsorship.

Normally someone with at LEAST 5-10 years sober time.

I have issues with the stepper programs... NOT because of "higher power"... That could be ANYTHING...

BUUUUT it seemed, at least in meetings that I've attended, to be a stagnating pool of misery... Some people in there, 30-40 years sober, talkin' bout, "Every day is still a struggle and I could relapse any second. I'm powerless against the constant pull of the almighty alcohol."

I'm all, "Whoah!... I think you may be doing something wrong"...

In MY opinion... "Powerless"-talk is BULL-ISH.

I got were I am because I am power-FULL.... I call the shots...

Every day is fantastic and it keeps getting better.

"Wallowing" can NEVER be healthy.

I agree with much of that. When (and where) I got sober, the "old-timers" talked about working the steps so that WWE could resume our lives: rebuild (or build for the first time) our relationships, our careers, our bank accounts, pick up old hobbies or discover new ones, etc.
But where I live now, people in recovery seem to think that a meeting is required every day. I didn't have that luxury in early sobriety and by the time I moved to the big city, it seemed foolish. I got sober so I wouldn't die; I'm staying sober so I can live.
When I stopped drinking and drugging, I was lucky to get a one-night stand; I'm celebrating 35 years with my husband next month. When I stopped, I was renting a dilapidated farm house for $200/month; now we own a house I designed and built in a great neighborhood. When I quit, I didn't have (or want) a phone, because someone might interrupt my trip or my bender; now I'm connected by many devices to family and friends far and wide.... Including all of you BonsaiNuts.

 

[ShadyStump]

The "steppers" programs, among others, usually encourage sponsorship.

Normally someone with at LEAST 5-10 years sober time.

I have issues with the stepper programs... NOT because of "higher power"... That could be ANYTHING...

BUUUUT it seemed, at least in meetings that I've attended, to be a stagnating pool of misery... Some people in there, 30-40 years sober, talkin' bout, "Every day is still a struggle and I could relapse any second. I'm powerless against the constant pull of the almighty alcohol."

I'm all, "Whoah!... I think you may be doing something wrong"...

In MY opinion... "Powerless"-talk is BULL-ISH.

I got were I am because I am power-FULL.... I call the shots...

Every day is fantastic and it keeps getting better.

"Wallowing" can NEVER be healthy.

The "dry drunks" I've heard them called.
Quit drinking, but are otherwise the exact same person. Just replaced the substance with the group, but never addressed what issues they had that the addiction was the symptom of.

I've hit the local AA meetings when I REALLY needed some backup and just talking to a friend wouldn't cut it.
But if I wanted to feel like I was in church I'd just go to church.
If it works for you, more power to you! The stepper groups have been great backup when I needed it, and I'm glad they're there.

Sponsors I actually think are great practice. Loneliness is something I've heard pretty much everyone talk about, so knowing there's a designated person whose job it is to be there can help.

@Kahless if shame or guilt is something you're worried about, just remember that a good sponsor doesn't care. Chances are he's been there.
IT'S HIS JOB and he volunteered for it. If you don't tell him, he'll be the one feeling shameful and guilty when he finds out through the grapevine.

Shit, I showed up to a ypr meeting BLITZED one time. Got off work at 430, by the time my reminder for the meeting went off at 515 I was hammered.
Thought about skipping it for a minute, then remembered that THIS is what the meetings are for. Walked my ass downtown, strolled right in the door stinking of cheap bourbon. No one said a thing, but they all knew.
They just slapped me on the back and said, "thanks for coming tonight."
...

Spontaneous subject change:
I wasn't up until 1am drinking, but I was up until 1am feeling and behaving as if I was drinking, and this morning I feel just like I WAS up until 1am drinking.
Except the hangover part of course.

Been going through the process of transitioning to the offensive in the ongoing drama with my ex: she messed with the kids one too many times. Then went out with friends for the first time in over a year. Trivia night at the brewpub. Did fine with beer all around me, but the whole week has been the same exact crap as I was going through when in the thick of the divorce and the worst of my drinking.

Ok, so maybe not so much of a subject change. Maybe more of an illustration actually.
Think I might hit up the noon AA meeting today, just for that back up.

 

[nuttiest]

Which therapies? Just curious as to how best answer your question.

...

No MATTER the therapy, detox-method or aftercare....

The intent is what drives real comfortable success...

WHY?... WHY do you want to be sober?

...


If the answer was ANYTHING but "for myself"... You are starting with the odds stacked against you.

Recovery/living healthy is a VERY "selfish" thing... It needs to be FOR you, and you alone. Done BY you, and you alone.

Everything ELSE... will fall into place via extension.... Of yourself.

...

I don't ever even consider going back... I hang out and play music in the local bars.. people buy me Dr.Peppers..

It's not "I CAN'T drink or do drugs now for "x" reasons."....

It is simply, "I DON'T drink or do drugs, I'm comfortable with myself."

Just the way I live now.

My addictions are not substance but behavioral. Doing things in excess, to the abandon of responsibilities most times. I feel like I am running from something but don't know what. Probably grief.

The general advice about replacement addiction is that it is good, if done in moderation. I think some people have no moderation meter.
Other sources say BEWARE the replacement addiction. But in the past replacement was the only method to break out for me.

 

[ShadyStump]

My addictions are not substance but behavioral. Doing things in excess, to the abandon of responsibilities most times. I feel like I am running from something but don't know what. Probably grief.

The general advice about replacement addiction is that it is good, if done in moderation. I think some people have no moderation meter.
Other sources say BEWARE the replacement addiction. But in the past replacement was the only method to break out for me.

Slap me if I'm screwing it up, but it came out in another thread a while back.
That's a big aspect of bipolar disorder, unable to moderate. The whole thing is defined by swinging from one extreme to another.
So in that case, replacement addiction might be your best bet if other schemes aren't working.

 

[nuttiest]

Slap me if I'm screwing it up, but it came out in another thread a while back.
That's a big aspect of bipolar disorder, unable to moderate. The whole thing is defined by swinging from one extreme to another.
So in that case, replacement addiction might be your best bet if other schemes aren't working.

Thanks Shady. And yes, i'd like to slap you sometimes, but not for this post.