[Satire & Snark] What is your best worst advice someone might believe?

[BillsBayou]

Question inspired by two incidents:
1) Overheard at a bonsai get-together "Your maples would do better if you poured Coca Cola on the roots." This was being given by one of the weirder people I know. It's become a running joke.
2) In a live chat session that was going to hell quickly, I turned to my oldest daughter and asked "What if I tell them that dog-dirt makes excellent cut paste?" She shut me down quick. "You have a reputation as giving knowledge advice. You're respected. Someone will actually do that. Don't." She was my conscience and gave great advice.

Let's give some truly bad advice in this thread. Stuff that doesn't work and may actually kill a tree. It's an opportunity to give the wrong advice you've always wanted to give. Just about everything should be a lie.

I'll begin: As it turns out, dog-dirt actually does make great cut paste.

Optional opt-out rule: Make actually true statements by prefixing it with all caps "TRUTH:"

 

[BillsBayou]

You can repot nearly any species during the Summer if there is a thunderstorm nearby or overhead, and then soak in Superthieve. The negative ions in the air encourage root uptake of Superthieve actuator and bio-usable molecules.

 

[Underdog]

Keep all new trees indoors in a wet humidity tray for at least 3 years before exposing them to the elements.
Every Bald Cypress MUST be a flat top design. LOL at Bill

 

[PaulH]

The best way to water a bonsai is to submerge it in a tub of water.

Turface is as good as akadama in bonsai soil.

Hedge cut your maples to create good ramification.

 

[Apex37]

The best way to prune a tree is by breaking off branches instead of using pruning tools, as this is how trees shed branches naturally in the wild!

 

[BillsBayou]

...Every Bald Cypress MUST be a flat top design....

This is the way.

Not only can you keep trees in your house for years, but only give them light for 1 hour each day. Helps to reduce leaf size.

 

[BillsBayou]

The best way to water a bonsai is to submerge it in a tub of water.

Mine are kept in the guest bathroom's tub. I turn on the shower every now and then.

 

[BillsBayou]

... this is how trees shed branches naturally in the wild!

I find strapping a bald cypress to the hood of my car and getting my speed up past 100mph is a great way to simulate hurricanes. The Louisiana State Police disagree, but I still do it. I want a more natural look.

 

[sorce]

Repot in spring.

Use Fungicide.

Use Pesticide.

Use Nazi Chemical Fertilizer.

Sorce

 

[Brian Van Fleet]

Listen to sorce

 

[casun]

Junipers should always be pinched, never cut, because they respond best to the human touch.

 

[Paradox]

High post count means the person knows more than anyone else

You control tree size by not watering enough and not feeding your tree

If you want small needles on your pine, cut them in half

 

[BillsBayou]

Use Nazi Chemical Fertilizer.

Ash? [Human ashes] were used ... as an additive to the compost heaps used on the camp farms.

I've been using Bone Meal for years. Now I find out that not only is it not vegan, it's apparently being made by the National Socialist German Workers' Party. This thread has taken a dark turn.

Something lighter:
Seeds soaked in Round-Up will result in trees that are immune to it. You'll be able to remove weeds from your pots by hosing everything down with the stuff.

 

[crab apple]

I find strapping a bald cypress to the hood of my car and getting my speed up past 100mph is a great way to simulate hurricanes. The Louisiana State Police disagree, but I still do it. I want a more natural look.

I can't wait to give that a try, I'm in Florida so no Louisiana staties here.

 

[BillsBayou]

I can't wait to give that a try, I'm in Florida so no Louisiana staties here.

Just get on I-10 and point your car west. You'll have a slow-down in Mobile, but after that, it's a clear shot to New Orleans.

Obligatory tip for this thread:
If your tree is root-bound, you can improve drainage by chipping off small sections of the pot. Carpentry hammers are too large. That's why I always use a French riveting hammer (not a sponsored link). Use the round end of the hammer's head to create an impact point. Use the flat portion to dig out broken bits of pottery and shape the hole.

 

[penumbra]

Always believe everything you read on Bonsai Nut. After all, we are pros.
Differences of opinion are simply choices like a forked path. Both are right.
No matter how ridiculous it sounds, it works for somebody.
I believe everything in all of the posts above to be true and because this is bonsai nut, I believe everything posted after this to also be the Truth.

 

[BillsBayou]

Nursery owners suggest their products because those are the best products.
"I use Obscure Brand every time I collect / water / style / repot / or even look at my tree. You can find it at my web store."

If your soil supplier won't tell you what's in their soils YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW. Just pick what they recommend. And always buy the premium blend. It's expensive because it's the best.

 

[crab apple]

Just get on I-10 and point your car west. You'll have a slow-down in Mobile, but after that, it's a clear shot to New Orleans.

Obligatory tip for this thread:
If your tree is root-bound, you can improve drainage by chipping off small sections of the pot. Carpentry hammers are too large. That's why I always use a French riveting hammer (not a sponsored link). Use the round end of the hammer's head to create an impact point. Use the flat portion to dig out broken bits of pottery and shape the hole.

is Mobile used to simulate the eye of the storm?

 

[Cajunrider]

Any tree will acclimate to your USDA grow zone if you slowly introduce it to the cold or heat. So go ahead, that beautiful flame tree can grow just fine in Alaska.
PS: If your tree dies, you simply didn't do it slow enough.

 

[Srt8madness]

If you see yellowing on your leaves mid summer, immediately pull out of pot and start digging around the roots.