[Satire & Snark] What is your best worst advice someone might believe?

bbk

Yamadori
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Follow someone’s advice because they have nice looking trees.
 

RJG2

Chumono
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Southern Maine
USDA Zone
5b
The fastest way to increase ramification on your conifer is to fully defoliate at least once a year.
 

Adam D

Shohin
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Central North Carolina
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7b
Pinching your trees makes them weak and although the Japanese have been practicing bonsai for centuries, they have no idea about proper horticultural practices! Instead you must fertilize the heck out of your trees and prune then like hedges!
 

dbonsaiw

Chumono
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New York
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7b
Pinching your trees makes them weak and although the Japanese have been practicing bonsai for centuries, they have no idea about proper horticultural practices! Instead you must fertilize the heck out of your trees and prune then like hedges!
Oh no you didn't! LOL.

The man himself will not reply so ...................... the best way to encourage growth and thicken trunks is to pinch at the first sign of life and keep the tree in a tiny container. Also, a realistic interpretation of a tree ensures that the tree is an exaggerated "S" shape and pads are very important. The goal is for your tree to look either like Princess Leah's hair or one of Byork's poodle hairstyles.
 

Carol 83

Imperial Masterpiece
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IL
Repot all tropical's in the dead of winter. Bare root, cut back hard and put in a dark room.
 

ShadyStump

Masterpiece
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Southern Colorado, USA
USDA Zone
6a
Repot all tropical's in the dead of winter. Bare root, cut back hard and put in a dark room.
I've done this. It works.
...
...
Well, they're not dead yet anyway.


Tip: if I tried it and killed the tree, it's only because I did it wrong.
YOU should totally give it a go!
😉
 

Paradox

Imperial Masterpiece
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Long Island, NY
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7a
You can repot, prune, and wire all in one session. Then prune some more in a month.
 

BonjourBonsai

Chumono
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Location
Maryland, USA
USDA Zone
7a
Newly acquired nursery stock that looks healthy and vigorous must be repoted immediately for the health of the tree.
 

Cajunrider

Masterpiece
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Louisiana
USDA Zone
9A
Growing under the care of human so long, bonsai are sentient. All they need is love.
 

Srt8madness

Shohin
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Location
Houston, Tx
USDA Zone
9a
Newly acquired nursery stock that looks healthy and vigorous must be repoted immediately for the health of the tree.
You need to get a newly acquired plant out of soil immediately for the plants health, even if keeping it in a can. Because somehow the plant is lush and green even though it's been growing in that horrible dirt for years.
 
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